Insanity brewing?

Yesterday, I got a glimpse of how easy it is for a woman to go insane within a marriage. I have seen it happen in my family. You try to talk to people, you try to explain what's going on. You even ask for help. But no one hears you. No one wants to listen to you. Your claims must be unfounded. He is a highly functioning person, very eloquent speaker. Everything he says seems so clear and reasonable. Quite charming, actually. You are fortunate. You should be learning from him. Never mind the humiliations you go through on a daily basis, the verbal abuse. Maybe even physical abuse (not in my case, thank heavens! Although, in that case,  it would be easier to make a decision to leave). As my husband likes to put it I live in La La Land. It seems others maybe thinking the same. 

Yesterday, I wondered for a brief moment whether I was truly going insane. Am I imagining everything. Does nobody else see it? Are people trying to cover up what's going on? Or am I being purposefully and methodically provoked? Is this a gender issue where the woman should put up with it all because there is no way a man is going to change, because the child needs stability, because you have to be the "superior person" crap that society conveniently made up to screw all women into subserviance? I think I have now started reading conspiracy into everything.

I question everything he does or says. Is it correct to do that? Day before yesterday, seeing how completely distant and angry I was growing he started talking about the plans to buy a home. I don't know if he does it in a calculated way to keep me on a leash but I have noticed that he talks about buying a home or planning a trip to Tanzania (two of my pet dreams) whenever our relationship gets strained. Of course, knowing him none of it may ever happen but it always keeps me wondering whether they will this time. Am I being unfair to him? It's just that I've been hearing about this home purchasing activity for 7 years now and every time we get closer to the deadline that he sets himself, he will find a reason to push it away (the markets are not good, the properties don't have a view, they are too cheap, they are too expensive, they are too small or too big).

The point is: am I going mad? 

Sleeping with the enemy... Part I

I find myself today sleeping with the worst of my nightmares. A man who represents all that I have tried to stay away from most of my life. And all I can ask myself is "where did I go wrong?"

I have always been so careful and so good at understanding people and knowing who to relate to or not.  I have known so many wonderful people, I have incredible role models in my father and my brother and my nephew. And yet... How could I have been so blind and stupid to fall for someone who is the antithesis of all that I believe?

So here I am, a mother of a beautiful 2 and a half year old boy, trapped and afraid. My lack of self-esteem and all the failures I've compounded over the years have left me doubting my actions, questioning my reasonings, wondering how I could survive out there or even in here.

Last week I expressed to my father my fear of my son growing up to be like his father. I felt ashamed and weak as I spoke. After all, I was the one who chose the father of my child. (Of all the stupid things I'd done in my life...)

I used to be (still am) an advocate for children's rights and women's rights. And I always thought we - women, for the sake of our well-being and our children's well being, had the right to let go of all preconceptions that are drilled into us by the same society that makes us its prisoners. We all have the right to well-being, don't we? Be it physical, emotional or intellectual.

What do I do now?

I have researched illnesses to justify his behavior and maybe try to, in the process, grow some kind of empathy for him. Is he bipolar? Does he have a narcissistic personality disorder? I have been listening to horror stories of failed marriages in an attempt to believe that our marriage was better than most. I've been watching his interactions with our son to see if their love for each other justifies the sacrifices that I am making. Finally, I gathered enough courage to see a lawyer.

It took me more than 3 long years to get to this point. 3 years debating whether to stay or to go. We've been married for 6 and a half. We've known each other for 7.

...

I am.

• I am an atheist!
  It is with such great relief that I read “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins. Here is a man who is unapologetic of the person he is. Here is a man who is not afraid to speak as it is. It is refreshing to read him. I feel almost giddy with excitement.
  
  As I read his book I realize that I have been hiding my true self as one of those who say “I am an atheist but…” as Dawkins puts it. I have been one of those who claimed that religion is a necessary evil if not only to keep the masses at peace or in control and avoid chaos. Hell! In fact, it has done only the opposite. Most wars are waged in the name of religion; most killings are made in the name of a god or gods. And so… I have been a coward most of my life.
  
  And the extent of my cowardice came as such a surprise to me when I uttered the words “I’m sorry but I don’t believe in god” to my 7-year-old niece who innocently asked me as recently as a few days ago whether I believed in god. When, in fact, I am not sorry at all and should not be made to feel sorry or ashamed of it. I was part of those minorities that like the homosexuals were and still are afraid to come out of the closet. Well… here I come out to you, my family and friends.
  
  I do not know much and do not even pretend to know much. But as certain as the strength of my bones and the touch of my skin and the beauty of the evolution of the universe, the world and its beings I know that a person can be an atheist and be good and caring and loving and fulfilled.
  
  I now declare that I am an atheist and there are no “buts” to it.
  
  P.S.: I also highly recommend his book “The Greatest Show on Earth: The Evidence for Evolution”.
  P.P.S.: Isn’t it astonishing that a 7-year old would already be aware of the controversies surrounding religion and religious beliefs?!
  
  Cheers, Shobha.

 

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Eu... vida, mar e dor

Aqui está minha vida.
Esta areia tão clara com desenhos de andar
dedicados ao vento.
Aqui está minha voz,
esta concha vazia, sombra de som
curtindo seu próprio lamento
Aqui está minha dor,
este coral quebrado,
sobrevivendo ao seu patético momento.
Aqui está minha herança,
este mar solitário
que de um lado era amor e, de outro, esquecimento.

Cecília Meireles, em desenho de Apard Szènes