I find myself today sleeping with the worst of my nightmares. A man who represents all that I have tried to stay away from most of my life. And all I can ask myself is "where did I go wrong?"
I have always been so careful and so good at understanding people and knowing who to relate to or not. I have known so many wonderful people, I have incredible role models in my father and my brother and my nephew. And yet... How could I have been so blind and stupid to fall for someone who is the antithesis of all that I believe?
So here I am, a mother of a beautiful 2 and a half year old boy, trapped and afraid. My lack of self-esteem and all the failures I've compounded over the years have left me doubting my actions, questioning my reasonings, wondering how I could survive out there or even in here.
Last week I expressed to my father my fear of my son growing up to be like his father. I felt ashamed and weak as I spoke. After all, I was the one who chose the father of my child. (Of all the stupid things I'd done in my life...)
I used to be (still am) an advocate for children's rights and women's rights. And I always thought we - women, for the sake of our well-being and our children's well being, had the right to let go of all preconceptions that are drilled into us by the same society that makes us its prisoners. We all have the right to well-being, don't we? Be it physical, emotional or intellectual.
What do I do now?
I have researched illnesses to justify his behavior and maybe try to, in the process, grow some kind of empathy for him. Is he bipolar? Does he have a narcissistic personality disorder? I have been listening to horror stories of failed marriages in an attempt to believe that our marriage was better than most. I've been watching his interactions with our son to see if their love for each other justifies the sacrifices that I am making. Finally, I gathered enough courage to see a lawyer.
It took me more than 3 long years to get to this point. 3 years debating whether to stay or to go. We've been married for 6 and a half. We've known each other for 7.
I have always been so careful and so good at understanding people and knowing who to relate to or not. I have known so many wonderful people, I have incredible role models in my father and my brother and my nephew. And yet... How could I have been so blind and stupid to fall for someone who is the antithesis of all that I believe?
So here I am, a mother of a beautiful 2 and a half year old boy, trapped and afraid. My lack of self-esteem and all the failures I've compounded over the years have left me doubting my actions, questioning my reasonings, wondering how I could survive out there or even in here.
Last week I expressed to my father my fear of my son growing up to be like his father. I felt ashamed and weak as I spoke. After all, I was the one who chose the father of my child. (Of all the stupid things I'd done in my life...)
I used to be (still am) an advocate for children's rights and women's rights. And I always thought we - women, for the sake of our well-being and our children's well being, had the right to let go of all preconceptions that are drilled into us by the same society that makes us its prisoners. We all have the right to well-being, don't we? Be it physical, emotional or intellectual.
What do I do now?
I have researched illnesses to justify his behavior and maybe try to, in the process, grow some kind of empathy for him. Is he bipolar? Does he have a narcissistic personality disorder? I have been listening to horror stories of failed marriages in an attempt to believe that our marriage was better than most. I've been watching his interactions with our son to see if their love for each other justifies the sacrifices that I am making. Finally, I gathered enough courage to see a lawyer.
It took me more than 3 long years to get to this point. 3 years debating whether to stay or to go. We've been married for 6 and a half. We've known each other for 7.
...
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